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Much is being made of the hiring of temporary workers for Gina Rinehart’s Roy Hill project. But I see an opportunity here. To hire temporary workers for Australian federal Parliament. Obviously, there is a serious shortage of talent, and the only way we will get anyone with the required skills will be to look overseas. We could pay them less. Or more. Give them no benefits. Or lots of benefits. Who cares? Just get in someone who is half-decent. Or has a pulse. Or doesn’t have a pulse now, but used to have a pulse once and may have one again.
Here is a short list of who could be replaced:
Obviously, the place to look for a temporary replacement for Julia Gillard, an employee who lacks any necessary skills, is former leaders of European countries who have lost their jobs, such as Nicolas Sarkozy of France, Silvio Berloscuni of Italy, and Harry Hooblesplooze of the Southern Albania Darts Club. Any of them would be a huge improvement. True, none of them speak English, but that has to be a huge improvement on Gillard press conferences. Goodness, we could all doze off in peace.
Leader of the Opposition
The natural replacement workers for Tony Abbott are failed triathletes. After all, they wear embarrassing Speedos too, and, like Abbott, they are good at running around for no identifiable reason other than that they have nothing better to do. Of course, if the triathletes are to replace Mr Abbott, they will have to be extensively trained in how to always say “no”. That is the main point of the job, isn’t it?.
Opposition court jester
The obvious temporary work force to replace Christopher Pyne is out of work circus clowns. Happily, there is no shortage of potential applicants. The circus clown business is not what it used to me since the advent of the 24 hour media cycle and Lady Gaga concerts. The whole caper is, quite frankly, becoming far too competitive. It is hardly worth bothering putting on the grease paint and oversize, floppy shoes. Which is why Chris needs to stand aside and give some other comics a chance to revive their flagging careers.
Slithershanks squints into the distance and notices remarkably little.
“This proactive, uber-engaged vision thing is harder than I thought,” he mutters. “I find it hard to remember what I did yesterday, let alone what I am going to do for the rest of the year.”
“Having trouble remembering your name, Slither?” Dolly Riseranks inquires, looking as helpful as a green mamba contemplating lunch.
“Yes, Dol, I need to work out how to execute my strategic vision going forward,” he says.
“Why don’t you start by executing yourself? That will get things moving in the right direction,” she replies. Slithershanks mumbles something about this not being an especially attractive downsizing option, given his attachment to his ongoing existence. It is all very concerning. He looks extremely troubled, rather than his more usual vaguely familiar inert substance.
“I think I have all my ducks in a row, and it’s just a matter of plug and play. But I am worried that this is all a bit back of the envelope and in a hard nosed sense we don’t have enough meat and potatoes outcomes for this whole thing to be optimised, even though it’s very much mission critical,” he says.
“Do you come with subtitles, Slither? I have absolutely no idea what you mean.”
“Neither do I. In fact, I have an awful suspicion I am becoming dead wood – soon to have my human capital de-layered for not thinking outside the square.”
“Don’t worry, Slither, you’ve kept the seat warm for years, and you’ll keep it warm for years to come. There is no seat warmer than yours, me old caricature. It’s a world’s best practice warm seat. Consultants have benchmarked warm seats around the world, and yours is right up there. I can honestly say that managers everywhere speak in hushed tones when they contemplate the Slithershanks seat. If there was a Nobel prize for keeping seats warm, you would have won it long ago. Good stuff.”
Class war. A slogan for the privileged who insist on seeing the world as a class half-full. The obvious solution is to go in search of workforces than can’t afford to buy any class – or very much else, for that matter.
Political ideology. Nature’s way of giving the brain dead life support.
Opportunity costs. An opportunity for analysts to make a few numbers up.
Off balance sheet entries. A way of making losses look good in red.