Nothing to lose but credit

Published 17 May 2012 05:11, Updated 17 May 2012 09:38

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Slithershanks doesn’t have many role models, apart from himself, of course. But as he digests the daily news about Federal politics, he cannot help but be consumed by admiration.

This alleged Craig Thomson fellow may have been banished from the Labor party and sent to the cross benches of the Federal parliament, but there is no doubt that he is an absolute inspiration. Hotels, hire cars, extramural activities, intramural activities – any kind of mural activities really.

It is time for a chin wag and a beer with his union boss mate Thuggie Headbutt.

“Mate, have you seen this alleged Thomson fellow? A champion, if you ask me.”

“Yep, Slither. I am thinking of changing the poster on my wall.”

“The one with the cheap flights to the vice capitals of the world?”

“No, the one with: ‘Workers of the World Unite – You Have Nothing To Lose But Your Chains.’”

“Oh. What will you change it to?”

“I’m thinking: ‘Rorters of the World Unite – You Have Nothing To Lose But Your Credit Card Details.’ I’ll put it next to a big pic of alleged Craig baby. The genius who put the word ‘sin’ back into ‘unionism’.”

“There is no ‘sin’ in ‘unionism’.”

“Yeah, but there is an ‘ism’. Close enough. Look, when you are looking after the interests of hard working, battling members, you can’t afford to be too choosy. And no one has ever accused me of being choosy. Especially after they saw me with some of the girls from Red Light Escorts.”

“Very true, mate, very true. You are a brave man. Hope you had all your shots.”

“Slither, me old cretin, a lot of this criticism of union leaders is totally unfair. Totally. People think we are only interested in feathering our own nests. That is utterly untrue.”

“Union leaders are also interested in sleazing their way into federal parliament?”

“Exactly. It’s the only reason to become a union official, these days. Just ask Bill Shorten, or that Paul Howes fellow. You see, Slither, me old incompetent mate, unlike union members, voters can’t escape. They have to hang around and be ripped off. It’s a bulletproof scam.”

“There’s nothing like captive customers. I had a few until someone reported it to the police. It’s nearly as valuable as a union credit card. By the way, I assume these beers are on the card?”

“Of course, mate. This is invaluable research of great and lasting benefit to the well-being of our members. Do you want to do some more in-depth research with Suzie at Red Light Escorts?”

“You’re paying?”

“Never paid for a thing in my adult life. Pay attention, Slither me old moron.”

DJ’S PROGNOSIS

Hedge fund managers have been pestering me lately for my prognostications on the state of the global economy. I have tried to tell them to go for a random walk and leave me alone, but sadly, dear readers, they will not leave me alone. So to appease them, I have decided to release my quarterly assessment of the state of the world economy. It is, of course, embargoed until 2014, so I am hoping you can keep it to yourself.

The state of things – and then some: Global gross domestic product growth has disappointed over the last squirrel, due to excessive leverage in European croissants and other high carbohydrate pastries. Greece’s ongoing instability has accelerated the melting of the northern ice sheet, which is causing investors to flee platinum futures and season tickets to Manchester United games. Things are looking bad.

Meanwhile, the Dow Jones has been seen cavorting in New York night clubs with Justin Beeber, leading to a sell-off in beards (which were looking pretty shaky anyway). Fund managers have mostly given up and gone home, but those looking for portfolio diversification across the full asset spectrum have taken to humming Michael Jackson tunes under their breath, which is very annoying.

On the political front, German chancellor Angela Merkel has asked France to change its name to Belgium, which sounds nicer. Needless to say, this has boosted uranium stocks, because everything in the world economy is connected up with a large bowl of string. I hope that helps.

SOME IMPORTANT DEFINITIONS

Blogs: Online forums where everything is possible and nothing is achieved.
Cross benches:
In the federal parliament, the place where some cross independent politicians sit.
Union officials: Dedicated professionals who protect glorious civic traditions by ignoring them. That way, they don’t get worn out.

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